Scripts

Managinfg Director dressed in suit and "Bingley", unkempt and wearing a T-shirt

MD: Ah, Bingley, take a seat, do

B: (picking chair up shiftily, moving back towards door)

MD: (rolling his eyes) No, no, I meant sit down

B: But you said

MD: now this is partly what I want to see you about

B: (grunts) Ungh?

MD: Your literal mindedness Bingley, it does you a disservice. I want to talk to you about your general approach to your work here at Tremble and Forthright.

B: (Getting edgy)What’s up with it?

MD: Well right there you see. You have this tendency towards defensiveness over the most trifling of issues.

B: Can I go?

MD: No Bingley you may not. You are a merely a clerk and I am your superior. I would instill that in you. I intend to talk to you also about your appearance, your choice in music, your unlit office and the smells that emit there from.

B: That’s my business

MD: It’s everyone’s business, Bingley, people are throwing up in the hallway at lunchtime

B:That’s the canteen

MD: We don’t have a canteen

B: That’s not my fault

MD: (perplexed) What?

B:  I said no one’s complained to me

MD: You never arrive before lunch! Those of us that do have noted your absence. (in reverie) A hushed silence that fills the building with the quiet serenity of an empty church.

B: I work back late

MD: Mmm, that too has been noticed Mr Bingley. Tortured screams have been heard emitting from this floor by passers-by two blocks away! No one can get a cleaner to work after hours on this street. We have no idea what has happened to ours. (reading a report) An eerie green glow has been seen throwing strange shadows from your office window of an evening. Misshapen, nameless things cavorting by moonlight on the rooftop. I mean, don’t you sleep Bingley!?

B: Sleep is for the weak and the dead

MD: Oh is it just Mr B? My wife and I don’t mind the occasional sleep. Are quite partial to a little post-coital kip in fact, and I didn’t get where I am by being weak or dead. Look, even the best of us needs to let off a little steam now and then. If you have a penchant for the spooky stuff let me run it past the directors at the next executive council.

B: That’s just the sort of limp-wristed response I’d expect from middle management

MD: What I’m saying is what’s wrong with some plastic fangs popped into the mouth, a torch held under the chin or yes, a novelty dog turd placed just so on the boss’s chair? These items would certainly look less out of place on your requisition lists than (picks up list) telescopic sight, kerosine, gelignite: 2 dozen sticks of. For heaven’s sake man you’re a clerk not the tealady.

B: Say what you will, nothing will deter “He Who Will Undo All That Is Done”

MD: So that was you in the lavatory? I knew it. I’ve got my fingers on the pulse of this firm I tell you. That explains the message on your answering machine too: “Who dares disturb the majestic sleep of he who will burn his name on us all”

B:  Yeah, “and answers to noone: man or woman, deity or daemon”

MD: Mm. I’ve taken the liberty Bingley, of having your psychological profile drawn up by the Human Resources Department

B: (suddenly full of himself)Yeah I know: Leadership qualities…

MD: You have the personality, Bingley, of a serial killer. Frankly I’m in two minds about keeping a fellow like you in my Section!

B: So your sacking me so what?!

MD: Sacking? Sacking?! Good God no man, no this is a promotion to the IT Department! Now, what we need is a made up monika so you fit right in: change your name to something a little enigmatic but basically crap. What about “Download”? That could be fun.

B: But that’s crazy!

MD: Crazy? Well! You should know Download! No, maybe not. Too rude. Upload? Ruder I think. How about Backspace! Yes, you look like a Backspace to me

B:  (panicking) No, I mean this is insane, I don’t know the first thing about computers

MD: Precisely. I didn’t get where I am today by not knowing how to pick ‘em. Now be off Backspace and take that chair with you.